Today’s Internal Dialog

Why aren't you writing? The blog is getting stale.

I'm sick of looking at screens. And I can't gather my thoughts into coherence.

But the blog was never FOR coherence; it was supposed to be for writing...

Yeah, I know. I'm so sick of screens, though. And work is sapping all of my soul energy.

Well that is true. Are you looking for other work? Side hustle? Anything?

Casually. I mean I get the emails about jobs and occasionally I find one where I understand the requirements and think I could do it.


Well, I applied for that one, it would've been GREAT, but I got ghosted. Let's face it, at this point, even if I went to an interview, I'm not going to be any hiring official's first choice. I best stick to what I'm doing because there is no safety net out there for us old people.

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Other people shouldn't be so hard on me. I mean, when I'm at my best, I think I'm competent. I could probably even communicate that effectively to someone. But I don't know anyone who is "at their best" right now. We are all grasping and failing.

You are so sensitive... it's like you need conditions and surroundings to be just so for you to do anything.

Yeah, I guess that's my autism in a nutshell. I'm so burned out right now; I just feel like I'm barely holding it together, which affects my job performance and my time management and all the things.

At least you got to cook dinner tonight.

I would hardly call instant pot linguine "cooking," but whatever.

The point is you made the plan and took the time.

Well, it was Wednesday, and despite having a fridge full of stuff, it always feels like there's nothing to eat. I could survive on RXBars, peanut butter, spicy pistachios and cheese for quite a while, but hubby has higher standards. That requires better planning.

The pasta did turn out great.

It was a'ight. I identified what I did wrong so I won't do it again, if I remember.

Why don't you write it down? You know, take notes...

Ugh. I suppose I could save the recipe and jot a note on it. I'll probably never find it again or forget I had it and just reinvent the wheel next time again anyway. Besides, who knows what combination of cheese remnants I'm going to have to use up next time? You know the magic of my cooking is that it's resourceful and therefore never the same twice.

Yeah, I know. It is really a gift that you have being able to always make good tasting food without following a recipe or measuring anything, though.

OK, fine, you're right, but it's not like it's a marketable skill. Just because I can whip up a Pad Thai cheesecake from the annals of my creative brain, it doesn't actually help anyone. It's more of a novelty.

But what about when you tried to do that cheesecake fundraiser for your neighbor. That was a really cool idea.

Not sustainable, and strangely, there was never enough room in the fridge (or freezer) to keep a bunch of cheesecake lying around. And most people weren't interested in my weird flavor combos.

But some people were. And they paid good money for those. You brought joy to folks and helped your friend.

It was never enough. And I ran out of steam on the baking thing. I mean, I would be happy to do it again, but with that whole soul-sucking work situation...

Yeah, yeah. Working in the US is such a drag because you can't NOT have health insurance, but even if you have it, you also can't afford to go to the doctor, or they can't actually help you because you can't communicate your needs effectively.

I noticed the mysterious leg tendon pain was not as bad today. Hopefully that won't mean it's gonna be worse tomorrow.

And now I do notice it's still there; gee, thanks for bringing that up.

So, it appears we have solved that writer's block issue, at least for today.

Yes, it appears so. Too bad I'll be posting this at 3AM. I mean, a "normal" person would be sleeping at this hour.

At least you went to bed early for a change.

A lot of good it did when I am still here awake at 3AM. And because I didn't log back into work at 10, the short day today will affect the paycheck. And you know how BEHIND I am on that big project?

Yeah, that can't be good for the self-esteem.

I just feel like EVERY thread I have to hold on to is fraying and soon I will no longer be able to hold on.

Maybe that's not a bad thing? This transition is long in coming, but you're right about the health insurance part.

I have to hold on until hubby gets work again. At least he's personable and likes/can speak to people. He may be an old guy, but he should be hireable for the right position.

I hope, for all our sake, that it doesn't take too much longer.

Now I really should go to sleep, or try to. It is really morning in the eastern time zone already, you know.

Yes, I am aware. This isn't the first (nor will it be the last) time I could be accused of scheduling LinkedIn posts to be marketing to an east coast audience. I assure you, it's pure coincidence.

Do you wanna check to make sure your WordPress-to-LinkedIn connection isn't inexplicably broken again first?

Naaaaa, I'm gonna roll the dice.

Good post.

Sure, I suppose.

High five.

Whatever, I'm tired.


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