First of all, let me say this post is a distraction; I am a distraction. I never actually wanted anyone to read anything I have written. I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, and the opportunity cost is too high. In other words, don’t pay attention to me; there are so many more important things out there to do, and if you’re reading this, you may be wasting your time. I hate waste!

But I do owe some people specifically and the community as a whole an apology. You will have to know who you are. I am deeply sorry for my words on Friday. While I would hope it goes without saying that my intent is NEVER to harm, it was clear my impact did and that is what matters. I cannot go back and change things and I have no expectations from y’all, but just know I humbly apologize and you should not worry about me.

If you wish to stop reading now, I would encourage you to do so.

Ultimately, what I feel about this incident is extreme gratitude for this lovely group of humans, but it took me a bit of time to understand that, 5 days to be precise. In the moment, I thought I was being asked for my expertise on a topic and, since this doesn’t happen every day and I felt safe speaking up in this group, I did. Based on the reaction I received, the entire situation had been woefully misjudged. There was a set of words that should have come out of my mouth, like a script I was never given, and I improvised instead. Bad idea.

But here is what I came to understand in the last 5 days of self-examination… this is not my space, it isn’t supposed to be, it never will be, and that’s OK. What I didn’t know when I joined, and it’s possible this group hadn’t effectively communicated in a way that I understood, is that this group is a group of front line fighters in the war that is raging for America’s soul. In retrospect, I never belonged there because in my heart and soul, I’m a pacifist. What I thought was that this group was dynamic and exciting and I could meet amazing people to recommend, buy books from, and support, and I have absolutely done all of that. But I thought it was a group that, when I was given the opportunity to “have the floor,” would hear me. I never announced my pacifism because I am only now figuring out who I am 3.5 years after my autism dx, and they never announced their front-line-ism directly. I probably just never picked up on the code words.

In fact, I think it took my participation in this group for what was likely over a year for me to realize that about myself. It took this incident and trying to figure out what went wrong to find the vocabulary. I just hope my contributions of presence to the group left a similar value or impression on someone there.

Make no mistake, we are at war already. Ukraine is the perfect real-life equivalent to the simmering American “culture war.” Russia invasion and launching of their full-on assault on their neighbors is based on the same underpinnings as Donald Trump, the 11 self-flagellating congress people virtually guaranteeing a government shutdown in September and ALL of the red state governors signing anti-trans and anti-drag laws into place. And NOBODY who has ever met me has ANY question about which side of this war I am on. As one person in the group says, “people are dying!” I agree. And we all need to get in line on the right side of history right now.

But we don’t all need to be on the front lines. Nobody would fight a war where EVERYONE pulled to the front line. Plenty of people can’t. It’s not where my skills lie; the opportunity cost is too high.

You have built a wonderful community to fight on the right side of history, frankly, for the continuation of American history as it really is. New chapters are being written as we speak, and I truly expect some of your names to appear in future volumes. I pray mine does not. That doesn’t mean I’m not on the right side.

As The Killers said, “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier.”

In closing, I’ll offer a very small piece of advice for this group… know who you are. You have a niche and every right to fill it and you will attract more like minds to you when you advertise and market who you really are. Maybe you believe you do that already, but I fell through the cracks and I’m no dummy. Maybe I’ll see one of you again when you send a rep to the big left-wing/human rights strategy session. LOL J/K… The left wing doesn’t do strategy! Who are we kidding? If you wanted to kickstart this from the front line, I recommend contacting someone from Elissa Slotkin’s office. She’s going to be the junior senator from Michigan after next year’s election. Trust me.