Alive, but Not Living

I’ll start this post with the preface that, while I am not feeling excellent or excited to be alive these days (honestly, do I ever?), I am not suicidal and this post is not intended to be a cry for help or anything like that. I won’t ever tell you how to feel or react to anything I write, but I’m not in any danger of self-harm.

That said, I am feeling lately as though no amount of break from the normal grind, be it a weekend without day job work to do or even a week staycation, seem to have done what I need to snap me out of the funk I currently find myself in. The days are defined by routine, which is not bad in and of itself, but it does make things a little too predictable and therefore boring. I tried to reset my sleep schedule during my week off but that didn’t really work either.

On top of that, the seasons are starting to change. Despite welcoming the theoretical end of the hot, dry, fire season, there is also an unsettledness to things. Nights are getting cooler and the days are noticeably shorter, and yet I lament all the missed opportunities the summer presented. Why didn’t we camp more? Why didn’t we play hooky to take the dogs to the beach even once? Why didn’t we have people over for a backyard barbecue? We haven’t even used our fire pit for 2 years. This last weekend would have been a perfect time, but alas.

Seasons changing always brings up feelings of would’ve, could’ve and should’ve like clockwork: regret. And a promise to myself to “do better” next year, whatever that means. The truth is, I won’t remember anyway.

I feel tired most of the time, in addition to being bored and distracted, which most people will recognize as symptoms of depression. I’m not NOT depressed, but I have not reacted well to medication in the past and don’t particularly care for the pharmaceutical industry on a whole. Their drive for profit leads me to believe they would rather sell you medicine you do not need, that may actually prolong your sickness rather than making you well and therefore ceasing to receive your insurance money. Cynical? You bet I am, and with good reason.

I’m depressed for good reason too… Our world is in deep shit and humans in this country, still the most capable to doing anything about it, are too busy fighting about shit that doesn’t matter like how much and when should we control women’s bodies and how can we make sure our children DON’T learn anything of value when they’re in school but are fully prepared to work mindlessly in factories that no longer exist. Eyes on the prize here. I swear, if I lived in Texas or Florida, I would be much closer to suicidal than I am now. Some people just cannot get their shit together.

So here we are. Burned out, bored, depressed and cynical. I try to put on a brave face when interacting with others because whenever I do not, the disingenuous bullshit I get back really makes me feel worse, more disconnected, less like my feelings are justified. I mean, really, we all know we are fucking up the climate stuff big time. Don’t you want to do something about it? What about mass incarceration, wanna do something about that too? Yup, me too. Or creating pathways for neurodivergent people to be employed, recognized for their exceptional talents and fairly compensated, evaluated and PROMOTED! That might be something I could actually be starting to work on, IF I could ever just get out of my own head!

So I proceed through time… Alive, but not living. I don’t think I’m the only one.

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