I have just had an epiphany. I think I’ve finally put a few concepts together for something that has NEVER, in my life, made a lick of sense.

I had no idea at all what made successful people successful or what they were confident about. Success didn’t make sense at all. Most of the popular kids in high school were only popular because their parents lived in the mansion on the hill with a real, in-ground swimming pool in the backyard. Now that’s a reason to like someone, for sure, but it’s not like they actually accomplished a damn thing outside of being born. I don’t get it.

And so often, those who tell you about their successes or achievements outside of in a job interview or maybe a first date, depending on the specifics, are doing so not because you asked, but because they are seeking your approval and they want to be liked. It’s a cheap ploy to cover up for deep insecurities inside their own minds. This action is a turn-off for most people because we all instinctually know that shallow and insecure people are kind of a drag.

But now, I’m getting signs and messages from multiple people in my life as my energy is turning and power is gathering. A theory is being conjured.

First, others already see me as successful. This seems insane to me, but I don’t want to insult the insane. I haven’t done anything special. I’ve held the same position and tolerated much existential agitation at work for nearly 20 years, but I have little more than my self-reliance (to a fault) and a tenuously middle class lifestyle to show for it. The opportunity cost is staggering. I could have done anything if someone had just handed me the user’s manual for how to live life well. Nobody told me that I had to decide that myself. I learn by reading and observing others, not by doing.

But what if all the others don’t want you around, push you away, or, worst of all, actually notice that they’re being observed and become angry. We’re not trying to arouse passions here, no no no!

Second: this IS what “imposter syndrome” is. When other folks talk about imposter syndrome, I didn’t get that either. I’m not an imposter to trying to be one. Why would that happen to someone? Isn’t everyone just like me? Oh no, THEY’RE SUCCESSFUL! Because they were all doing the thing I needed instructions for. It could’ve been playing with kids my own age or getting a promotion (any promotion) or acing an interview and getting a job offer, or just doing whatever I fucking wanted to!

So all imposter syndrome really is, is a mismatch between what you feel about your own accomplishments and what others feel about them. You could make yourself a pagelong list of everything you accomplished in life through today, and show it to anyone around you and I guarantee you, they will think you are fucking amazing, even if you look at the list and get embarrassed or think about how you really needed to share credit with this other guy on the team, yadda yadda. Everyone has an inner critic. Some people just ignore it by nature or luck or practice. Pay someone else to critique your work; you are a biased judge.

Third: collecting and even BRAGGING about your accomplishments is the cure, vaccine and booster shot for imposter syndrome. Bragging is the communication, usually verbal, of your accomplishments to others. You KNOW you’re in a good group of people when you brag about something you were proud of in the moment, and the response is positive, cheers and hugs, and tokens or words of appreciation. You simply cannot be an imposter AND a braggart at the same time. So when you make a list or participate in a Brag-a-thon among friends, you will be exercising that ability to ignore your inner critic. You will be curing your own imposter syndrome.

The more you do this, the more you will get out of the shadow of your self-critic and you will see yourself with less bias. And you will begin to see all the reasons you’re friends think you’re successful already, and that’s how you become successful.

So when people say, “you define what success means to you,” what they are saying isn’t that you have to know what you want before you get it. That’s about goals and I have gone deeply into my feelings about goals in the past. For me, possibly for others as well, what I need to define myself as successful is to recognize and respect the things I HAVE done already… it’s the wholeheartedly accepting what IS already, because what will be done in the future isn’t what I need help identifying for my own motivation. The motivation was never my problem; my motivation was destroyed over time in life, but I feel it coming back.

I’m thinking about starting a Brag Club. Let’s heal ourselves and each other together, in community, shall we?